Fat Momma Cooks: Chewy, salty deliciousness. WARNING – NOT LOW CARB

I’ve been in a cooking/creating mood lately. Last week it was the tomatoes (my salsa is ¼ gone already. I have a slight addiction to the stuff), so this week I thought I’d try to make something I have never made before: Soft Pretzels.

I love soft pretzels dipped in yellow mustard or spicy mustard. Cheese is good too (let’s face it: Everything is great with cheese {or bacon…mmmm, bacon}). But as the price of groceries continues to rise, I’m trying to find simple yet delicious recipes to make my own homemade treats.

I read about 4 different recipes and while they mostly were the same, the one I picked was from a trusted source: Alton Brown from Food Network kitchens. I love Alton Brown. He’s never let me down on a recipe before so I was eager to try his soft pretzels.

I gathered my ingredients and my helper (Little Man) and began to create.

While the entire process was quite simple, it was rather time consuming – letting the dough rest and rise, rolling the pretzels out, but the end result is delicious. It was fun making them; their shape isn’t perfect but so so tasty, so who cares what they look like!

My next pretzel making adventure I’m going to try some sweet and savory flavors, as I stuck to the traditional salt this time. I’m thinking cinnamon sugar, Italian flavored, and maybe a spicy one next time around.



If you’re interested in making some for yourself, here’s the recipe I used:


Tomatoes: Glorious, delicious and juicy tomatoes.

Their smell was intoxicating. Their taste was extraordinary. I was in love. In love with these beautifully imperfect tomatoes.

I was so excited to pick up my flat of heirloom tomatoes the other day but when I got to the pickup site and saw these beauties, I couldn’t believe my eyes. They were the most amazing tomatoes that I had ever seen.


My brain immediately went into “canning” mode to decide what I could make. I wanted to showcase these specialty tomatoes. Their taste, texture and color were something I didn’t want to hide in a pasta sauce. I had made a couple different tomato jams in the past and knew I needed a special recipe to showcase these guys.

I bugged my mom for a few days and obtained a copy of her sweet tomato jam. The one I remember as a kiddo. Eating it on a cold, snowy, blustery day immediately transported you to summer and hot, muggy days and fireflies and soft grass beneath your feet.

I also found an heirloom tomato salsa that used minimal ingredients to highlight the tomato themselves. And last but not least, from my science pal at Food Network, I printed off Alton Brown’s tomato infused vodka (If I could have found a recipe for tomato beer, I sure would have done that)!

I gathered all my ingredients and began creating. My kitchen was a mess. My clothes were spotted with tomatoes. My hands smelled of Earth. My stove and canner got a workout but the end results were impressive if I do say so myself.

Canned goods

I had about 28 pounds of tomatoes. I got 6 pints of salsa, 3 jars of sweet tomato jam and a 750ml bottle of vodka steeping. I even had enough to eat (and because I’m such a nice person – share). I foresee many caprese salads, BLT’s and tomato slices in my lunching future.

If anyone is interested in any of the recipes, shoot me a line. I’d be happy to share!


And I just can’t hide it… (ear worm, I know lol)

I ordered 20 pounds of heirloom tomatoes to can!!

I can see some of you rolling your eyes and even showing a little bit of a smirk – But I don’t care! FAT MOMMA LOVES CANNING!

I’ve never worked solely with heirloom tomatoes but have eaten them and fell in love at first bite. The price per pound can be exorbitant so getting 20 pounds for $20 is a steal.

I have so much I want to do with them: Salsa, tomato jam, tomato infused vodka. A beautiful tomato, basil and mozzarella salad. YUMMY!

I pick these beauties up tomorrow evening and I want to call into work so I can stay in my kitchen and create my delicious masterpieces. And then eat them!

I already have a couple other blog ideas in the works from my canning adventures with these amazing tomatoes.

Hope you find something that makes you uber excited that you just can’t hide it.

Today was good. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one.

Dr. Seuss

Frustration Times 600

I feel like screaming
I feel like yelling
I feel like punching something
I just want to sit and cry my damn eyes out, eat an entire container of bean dip and cry some more.
But I can’t do any of that. I have to do everything but that.
Fat Daddy is in the hospital with a horrendous staph infection that has attacked his bones. How did this happen? He stepped on a metal pipe 7 DAMN MONTHS AGO and just NOW went to the doctor.
I took him to the emergency room Thursday night & they immediately admitted him. They’re holding off amputation of the foot/leg…for now.
If he would have just went in when this happened none of THIS would have happened. Grrrrrrrrr
I’m pissed.
6 weeks off work. He hasn’t been at his new job long enough to get FMLA, so that’s a fantastic scenario there.
He has short term disability which I’m thankful for but I’m still pissed off.

What about me & my medical issues (i.e Herman the hernia). Herman has to come out. I’m in pain every damn day with the invader but now for at least 6 more weeks have to live with him. I can’t be off at the same time. No way could we afford that.

I know I’m being selfish but I’m so incredibly angry at this whole situation. I already do everything but now I can’t even ask for help.

I mad. I’m sad. I’m pretty damn depressed (between the pain of herman, my MS flaring up & now this, I think I need some happy pills) or lots of vodka.

Oh and with this recent medical crisis with Fat Daddy I’ve had to endure the monster-in-law on a daily basis. The monster-in-law butting in. The monster-in-law taking charge. Hell, I’ll just stay away from the hospital & let her make decisions.

Calgon take me away! 

Sick of Being Sick

Cough. Sniffle. Hack. Blow. Repeat

I have had a cold or the plague in some form since right before Christmas. I went to the doctor when my temperature stayed above 101 for 3 consecutive days and was told, “It’s viral – nothing we can do”.

A waste of time. A waste of money. And an invitation for more gems.

So here I sit, now February 3rd and I’m still hacking. Still coughing. Still blowing my nose (Kleenex corp can single-handedly thank me for their 1st quarter profit spike) still taking OTC cold meds.

I sound like a 3-pack per day smoker (or Kirstie Alley) and feel like I could sleep until summer. I have ZERO energy and find myself nodding off at work.

But it’s viral – nothing I can do…

I‘ve tried homeopathic remedies and I’ve ingested my fair share of cough syrup and cold meds. I even went the alcohol route and tied a good one on the other night…while I felt great then, the “I can breathe out of both nostrils” feeling went away as soon as the alcohol wore off.

And before you say, “Fat Momma, just call into work and sleep, silly lady”, my company changed our PTO policy this year and are monitoring “unplanned” days off…depending on who your manager is, those unplanned days are strictly monitored…and ding ding, lucky me, I have a manager who asks where you were if you’re in the bathroom too long.

There’s a lot of 2015 left and my buddy Herman the Hernia needs to come out at some point – I need to toughen it out.

I know I shouldn’t complain – I’m not stuck in a hospital. I’m not dying of some incurable disease. I’m merely inconvenienced by coughing and fevers and snot – LOTS of snot – but damnit, I just feel better whining about being sick.

I can’t whine to anyone in my daily life (hell no one listens to me) so I whine to you – don’t ya feel special now?

I hope all of you are staying healthy and snot free. The weather here in Phoenix is supposed to warm up to the low 80’s by the end of the week – I’m hoping for a few extra minutes this weekend to sit in the sun (with sunscreen of course) and soak up some Sunny D – maybe that will kill the virus.

Oh look, another empty Kleenex box…



Oh yes, you read that right. I made a bacon bourbon jam. If you want a low carb recipe, move along. If you want a festival of flavors for your tongue, read on!

I love canning. Making pickles, salsas, pasta sauce. You name it, I love doing it. I’d like to be able to can for a living. Go to farmers markets and flea markets and sell my goods. Crazy dream I know, but I’d so love being able to do that.

Nonetheless, I was looking for an onion jam (which I will be making soon) and while reading some of those recipes wondered why I couldn’t make a bacon bourbon jam.

I like bourbon

I LOVE bacon

I enjoy jams

What’s not to love?

One thing I so enjoy doing when cooking (not baking mind you) is being adventurous and adding my own spin on things. Taking a leap. Rolling the dice (wish I felt that comfortable doing that in real life!).

So I gathered my ingredients:

BB JAM ingredients

Bacon – thick delicious cut bacon

Bourbon – a good high quality kind. The one I used is made right here in good ol’ AZ

Maple syrup, apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, sweet onion, cumin, chipotle peppers in adobo sauce, garlic and salt.

Then I let the magic happen.

BB JAM bacon cookingh BB Jam finished

All the ingredients produced two 4 ounce jars. It was a lot of work for a small amount of finished product but it is SOO incredibly delicious.

After cooking the jam, I did process in a water canner and have kept it in the fridge. To keep long term, you would need to use a pressure canner – which I do not have.

I’ve used one jar thus far and served it with a crusty baguette. I think it would also be amazing poured on softened cream cheese with crackers, on chicken or straight from the jar!

I’m going to be putting out the last jar at a party I’m throwing next weekend. My mouth is watering just thinking about it!

My next “canning” adventure: Pickled Eggs!

A Tasty Adventure

I love cooking and experimenting with new spices and seasonings. Lately I have been obsessed with Greek food.


Tzatziki sauce



Feta – lord have mercy, I love me some feta.

But a lot of these delectable Greek dishes are waaaaay loaded with carbs. Bad bad carbs. Naughty carbs. Make my pants too tight carbs.

So whats Fat Momma gonna do? Make a delicious low carb salad with a Greek makeover.

Salad 01.13.15

Introducing my chicken, tomato, mushroom, cucumber, olive and feta salad with my own, homemade Greek low carb dressing.

Holy moly I’m in love. Pure pure salad love.

The flavors play so well together. Happiness on my fork.

Food dance party on my tongue.

Because I have a bad habit of not measuring a lot of things, I can’t tell you the exact measurements of the dressing (it was all to taste) but the jist of it is:

Red wine vinegar, water, lemon juice, Greek seasoning and olive oil

I put it all in a canning jar (with lid obviously) and shook, shook SHOOK that mixture together. I got about 8-10 ounces. Enough for multiple days.

I’m already planning a cucumber and tomato salad with this tasty dressing. Or some cooked shrimp drizzled with this and a touch of feta. Or some marinated Feta. Oooh!

So for the next few days or weeks I’ll be on my Greek vacation.

Where should I eat next? Italy? Mexico? Jamaica?

Happy Eating!





Ahh, 2015 is here. No hoverboards though. Disappointed with that. Seriously disappointed Marty McFly.

Did you make any New Year’s resolutions? Sticking with them? I always laugh when I see the gym “memes” floating around FaceBook that show a gym packed in January and deserted in February. How true, right?

I don’t usually make resolutions but I have 3 things I am resolving to do/change this year:

  1. Get Herman my huge hernia removed – he’s such a pain
  2. Stay awesome
  3. Get back on track – healthy eating, more movement, less excuses

I did extremely well when I went low carb about 18 months ago. Lost LB’s and lots of inches. I felt better. I had more energy. I hurt less. But I slowly got off track and here recently the track was too far away to even be seen. However, I walked there these last 4 days and jumped on. Head first.

  • I vow to cook more and eat less processed foods.
  • I vow to move more even if I “hurt”
  • I vow to laugh more – it’s easy to get caught up in the negativity of life

ü  I vow to be the best Fat Momma I can be

I’ve also starting journaling again. More day-to-day mundane would bore y’all to death stuff. I used to journal all the time (even Little Man loves to journal, thanks to his Aunt Nancy) but got too busy for that. I’ve dedicated 10 minutes a day. Just let my day flow from brain to pen to paper.

I’m excited for what 2015 has in store. I have a few things potentially in the works that could be lots of fun but I’m taking it one day at a time. Not putting the cart before the horse.

Hope you all had a great NYE and a good 2015 (thus far). Feel free to shoot me some delicious low carb recipes. I’m anxious to try new tasty dishes.

All the best-

Fat Momma



Ahhh… the drama that the holidays bring. Gotta love it, right?

This time readers, I’m not biting my damn tongue. I’m tired of it. I’m sick of it and the witch needs to be put in her place.

This past weekend Fat Daddy, Little Man and I went to a holiday light show. Fat Daddy has been working CRAZY hours (105 hours in the past 2 weeks) so we haven’t seen much of him. He gets home (if he’s lucky) 30 minutes before Little Man has to head off to bed. So after Fat Daddy was done with work Saturday and took a well deserved nap, he surprised us with the visit to the light show.

We had fun. The three of us. It was nice.

Last night I mistakenly posted a few pictures of this on my Facebook page.

That’s when the sh*t hit the fan…

Within 5 minutes of posting my pictures, Fat Daddy’s phone went off. A text. He read it and threw his phone to the ground. He said a few choice words and then picked his phone up and feverishly began texting. His phone kept going off and I could almost see the steam coming from his ears.

It was the monster-in-law, chewing him out for not inviting her along to the holiday light show. She proceeded to tell him no one loves her, she’s a burden on everyone and that everyone would be happier if she wasn’t here.

Seriously? A 60-year old woman who throws a temper tantrum? Yes folks – that’s my MIL

Fat Daddy eventually stopped responding to her.

Then this morning, the holy grail of all texts was sent to him from MIL:


Oh sweet mother of all creatures big and small.

This woman is so selfish. I can’t even begin to tell you how emotionally abusive she is to her sons. And now, one day before we were to celebrate with her (we celebrate on Christmas Eve) she’s cancelling Christmas…I honestly could care less – one less time I need to spend with the witch but Little Man is going to be devastated.

SHE IS GOING TO TELL HIM – I’m tired of making excuses for her. I’m tired of him putting her up on this pedestal that she’s this awesome grandma.

She’s not.

I’m so incredibly pissed. I’m not going to be able to let this one get brushed under the rug. I never confronted her about calling me a Nasty Toned Bitch last Christmas. I’ll be dammed if I’m going to let that selfish self centered bitch ruin Christmas for MY SON.

Its war readers.

I’m going to start a “Go Fund Me” account for bail money. Any help is greatly appreciated.



Heartache – I want to skip today

I’ve been mentally preparing for this day for weeks. But it hasn’t helped much.

It’s okay to cry and to be sad, right? As long as I don’t let the sadness and grief consume me.

Some may say that four years is enough time to move on.

I have moved on, the best way I know how.

But it still hurts.

A lot.

Four years ago today I lost the first man I ever loved.

I lost my biggest supporter and my hero.

I lost a piece of me.

My father passed way.

Fat Daddy and I had moved to Arizona and my dad moved to North Carolina to be with my uncle who was a widower. Dad loved it there. He was able to come to Arizona for a visit and see his best buddy, Little Man. Even though we were separated by hundreds of miles, he was the happiest I had seen him.

I’ll never forget that day for as long as I live. Or the painful week thereafter.

That first Christmas was excruciatingly hard. Had it not been for Little Man, I would have skipped the day. I usually keep my Christmas stuff up through new years but it came down the day after Christmas. I couldn’t deal with it.

The next year was hard and the year after that not as bad.

But today I can’t seem to do anything without getting teary eyed or choked up. I’m used to crying in silence and in the dark – but at work is a different story.

Fat Daddy doesn’t like to talk about my dad’s passing – Little Man does and even though he was only three when his “Bompa” died, he remembers everything about my dad: its uncanny really.

I know its been four years and while the pain has subsided, I’m wondering if it will ever truly go away. Will I ever have a Christmas season where my heart doesn’t ache? Will I be able to go Christmas shopping and not cry when I smell his cologne?

Hug your loved ones tight, readers and kiss them if you can.

I wish I could do that one more time